Fantasy Gazette

INSIDE A ROOM WITH LEATHER COUCHES AND SHURE MICROPHONES IN FRONT OF RETIRED ATHLETES – Cam Newton found himself seated inside a room with leather couches and Shure microphones in front of other retired athletes and was struggling to find football-specific terms to tell Brock Purdy to kill himself.

“You know, he really just a game manager. He doesn’t make a difference for the 49ers,” said Newton, reclined while wearing a hat that was designed to look like a giant cupcake. “My advice to him on how to improve would be to kill himself.”

Following a shocked look from the host of the show (a retired athlete who was seated in a leather chair with a Shure microphone in front of him), Newton realized his grave mistake. “Wait, you mean I’m not allowed to say that? Aight, aight. I think he should…uh…scramble out of bounds? Like way out of bounds? As in outside the stadium. And then keep scrambling off the edge of the Earth. Can I say that?”

The host was in shambles, and unsure how to continue the segment as Cam Newton suggested the 49ers QB should try fumbling away his own breath, handing the ball of life away to the Grim Reaper, and subbing himself out of Levi’s Stadium and then subsequently out of the solar system. Newton found it most eloquent to point out that Purdy would be doing both himself and the 49ers franchise a solid by punting every ounce of blood in his veins to the good folks over at Red Cross.

“Simply put, Purdy ain’t a game changer like yours truly. He ain’t a runner, ain’t a playmaker, he’s a fraud. Mostly, I hate that he gets to throw to Brandon Aiyuk, Deebo Samuel, and George Kittle in the Super Bowl instead of Ted Ginn and Jericho Cotchery. I hate that little cracker the more I look at his porcelain face.”

At press time, Newton had moved off of Purdy and was explaining in detail what medieval torture devices he thinks they should use on Tua Tagovailoa if he doesn’t get the Dolphins to the Super Bowl by 2026.