Fantasy Gazette

PHILADELPHIA, PA – “Greetings, future pusher!” was the first thing Saquon Barkley heard when looking towards new QB Jalen Hurts, who had his rear end pointed towards the star tailback. “Better get used to the view!”

Barkley, the newest addition to an excellent Philadelphia offense, said he was excited to get started with the team but was immediately overwhelmed by the amount of Tush-Push propaganda. “It was weird,” Barkley told us. “Some of the linemen said they’re going to block worse for me inside the 10 so that I have a better chance of getting tackled at the 1 yard line. The strength coach also has me working exclusively on upper body. Said it’s about to be ‘pushing season for ole’ Quon-quon’, whatever that means.”

Hurts and the Eagles are famous for a QB sneak in which they gain momentum for Hurts by shoving him from behind. Barkley knows the move from his days with the New York Giants, but didn’t realize just how much of a problem it’s going to be for him.

“It’s all they care about,” Barkley said. “They even put pictures of Hurts’ buck-naked rear end in my locker so I remember why I’m here in the first place. I think I want to go home. My practice jersey doesn’t even say Barkley, it just says Tush Pusher.”

At press time, Barkley had just ran his 160th consecutive rep of the Tush Push and was told he could take a couple handoffs for funsies as a treat.