Fantasy Gazette

SAN FRANCISCO, CA – 49ers Quarterback Brock Purdy was famouly the final player selected in the 2022 NFL Draft, and was looking for a way to motivate himself for the upcoming season when he stumbled upon a clip of Detroit Lions WR Amon-Ra St. Brown saying he memorized every WR drafted before him in 2021. Purdy, determined to challenge himself, decided to memorize the 261 players drafted previously to give him an extra chip on his shoulder.

“I found him in his apartment when his 2005 Honda Accord never rolled in for OTAs – figured I’d do a wellness check,” said head coach Shanahan. “He had scribbled all 261 names, their colleges, family member’s names, and ACT scores all over the walls like a psycho. Finally, I’m free from this nightmare. Don’t put that last part in your article, please.”

According to the official investigation, Purdy had attempted to memorize nearly everything he could. Police said Purdy’s notebook included the following facts:

Bills RB James Cook’s career high in rushing yards at Georgia was 728.

The #1 Billboard Hot 100 song when Cade York was born was “Independent Women Part I” by Destiny’s Child.

The QB taken previously to me was Chris Oladokun from South Dakota State. Oladokun got a B- in John Ackman’s theater arts class when he was a sophomore.

Desmond Ridder’s career college QBR was 145.8. What the hell went on in Cincinnati’s conference?

The coroner confirmed that the pure mental strain from memorizing all 261 players and various other facts about them took too much of a toll on Purdy’s brain, which was already being pushed to its limit by Shanahan’s complicated offense in which Purdy must simply stand perfectly still in a perfectly-blocked pocket until Brandon Aiyuk, Deebo Samuel, Christian McCaffrey, or George Kittle become remarkably wide open.

At press time, Atlanta Falcons’ TE Kyle Pitts had taken on the task of memorizing every player drafted before him before pulling his hamstring halfway through.