Fantasy Gazette

PHILADELPHIA, PA – The Philadelphia Eagles have announced a revolutionary piece of technology for their upcoming season. It’s a shock collar for Saquon Barkley that activates at the 1-yard-line on their home field, which will guarantee the RB cannot safely pass it and score a touchdown.

“Everyone here felt it was the right decision for Barkley to go down at the one,” said QB Jalen Hurts after the team’s practice session. Just then, Hurts pressed a button on a remote control. “Right, Saquon?”

A loud buzzing was heard from across the locker room, and Barkley dropped to the floor, seizing. “R-r-right, J-J-Jalen” he said, drool spilling onto the floor.

Critics have pointed out that the collar is clearly going to be used to assist Jalen Hurts in securing more “Tush Push” touchdowns from the 1 yard line, a play now famous and synonymous with the team. The Eagles appeared not to think so. We asked A.J. Brown and Devonta Smith for their thoughts.

“Uhhh, yeah I think it’s a great idea,” Brown said. His eyes were darting back and forth from our reporter to Hurts, who was staring him down threateningly. “I don’t even like goalline fades. I hate them even! I hate scoring touchdowns!”

“Jalen told me not to have an opinion on anything,” said Smith. “I agree with whatever Jalen thinks.”

Head Coach Nick Sirianni declined to comment on the matter, as he was too busy practicing his playcalling abilities during his morning session of Madden.

At press time, Jalen Hurts was throwing darts at a picture of Cam Newton, whispering to himself that he would have his rushing TD records or his head and fancy hats on a pike.