Fantasy Gazette

Washington, DC – In response to record-high inflation rates, the Federal Reserve raised interest rates 11 times since March 2022. Now that prices have largely stabilized, the regulatory body will shift its focus to where it is needed most: the 2024 rookie class of wide receivers in fantasy football.

The overall inflation rate may have decreased from 9.1% to 3%, but the cost of rookie wide receivers in fantasy drafts continues to dangerously skyrocket unfettered. In a statement Tuesday, Federal Reserve Chairman Jerome Powell announced that the regulatory board is exploring countermeasure strategies as their top priority.

“American families are struggling plain and simple,” Powell said. “First, they experienced a 25% increase in grocery bills. Now, they’re having to spend a first-round pick on Marvin Harrison, Jr. and his ass hasn’t even played in the league yet! Therefore, we intend to address this problem the only way we know how: heavy-handed government interference.”

The public response has been resoundingly positive. “We’re so thankful the bigwigs in Washington are finally doing something about this crisis,” Kay Matthews, mother of four and avid fantasy football player, told the Gazette. “In 2021, I could get a dozen eggs for $1.25, ground beef for $5 a pound, and Ja’Marr [expletive] Chase in the 6th! I was able to feed my family, and more importantly, draft a team at a reasonable ADP. It’s bad enough that last Thanksgiving we had Totino’s Pizza Rolls and Hamburger Helper. Now how am I supposed to build a ZeroRB room I can count on if I have to take Malik Nabers as my WR2 at the 2.11? Are we all playing the same game?!”

The Fed’s proposed strategy could include one or more of the following interventions to artificially lower rookie WR average draft position:

• Scoring penalties for rookie WRs when announcers say they are “not on the same page” as their veteran QB
• Requiring fantasy football websites to ask “Are You Sure You Want To Draft Him?” pop-ups when clicking a rookie WR, with the window displaying images of Laquon Treadwell, Jalen Reagor, Skyy Moore, and Quentin Johnston
• Bonuses to NFL clubs for social media hype of veteran teammates of inflated rookies (like Greg Dortch for the Cardinals, DJ Moore for the Bears, and … what the, Allen Robinson is on the Giants??)
• Sanctioning Best Ball contests on sites like Underdog and DraftKings completely, condemning the contests’ ADPs as blatant market manipulation
• Defunding KeepTradeCut.com

Economists predict that by September, Patriots’ rookie Ja’Lynn Polk will cost an early fourth. Things are even worse in California, where the infrastructure proved unprepared to handle the natural disasters of a Puka Nacua injury and Brandon Aiyuk trade rumors. Prices of Niners’ rookie Ricky Pearsall and Rams’ rookie 6th-rounder Jordan Whittington have soared, leaving many Californians forced to draft uninspiring veterans like Deebo Samuel. Gross.

While many economic issues continue to face our country, the Fed seems particularly focused on this issue for now. When asked, Powell had no comment regarding the prevention of major market crashes of cryptocurrency and Kendre Miller.