Fantasy Gazette

Let’s not mince words. Caleb Williams is soft. He is a weak, effeminate, gorgeous Gen-Z snowflake who will be an outcast in an NFL locker room. Real NFL players will be completely put off by his unconventional sex appeal. And I say this as someone who is not a closeted homosexual.

Caleb Williams makes me uncomfortable. Any time I see him buck the conventional idea of masculinity, it makes me irrationally angry (my heart rate increases and my face becomes flushed just looking at him). This is, of course, a normal heterosexual male response, and NOT due to years of repressing and refusing to question my own sexuality.

I’m just a regular hetero Joe, like most of you reading this article. I’m married with two kids, middle-class, and live in the suburbs. I drink my coffee black and my beer without fruit. I think “wokeness” is a pandemic created by George Soros to tear our country apart, and I certainly never fantasize about being naked with any of my male coworkers, and that includes the hot ones.

As a normal straight American man, I have more in common with the average NFL player than Caleb Wokeiams. Football is a man’s game. They’re gladiators who put their tight muscular bodies on the line week after week. They get really hot and sweaty and grapple each other. When they’re done giving each other everything they have, they’re just supposed go back to the locker room and shower together with Caleb? If you really think about that – and believe me, I often have – Caleb will not be welcome.

What does it say about a person when he goes into the stands and cries to his mommy after a loss? What do you think about a man who paints his fingernails? Because I’ve seen men with painted fingernails, and they are not the kind of guys I’d want leading me on the gridiron. They were certainly pleasant enough to talk and dance with at that bar I accidentally walked into when I went on that work trip to Miami. But those types of guys would be as shunned from an NFL locker room as I am from The Boy Scouts of America (which is due to a complicated misunderstanding).

Now, I’m not saying (or hoping!) Caleb is gay. I’ve seen his girlfriend and she has beautiful bone structure and facial symmetry. But that video of him at the basketball game with the clutch, pink phone case, and effeminate dancing is doing him no favors. I watched that video over and over again the other night before making love to my wife, and I think it’s disgusting.

Caleb, if you’re reading this, take my advice. Repress that quirky behavior. Don’t let anyone see who you really are, in other words – fully naked. If you must dance, a simple head nod is the only acceptable movement. Stop painting your fingernails. And whatever you do, don’t tell DJ Moore that I think his smile reminds me of Brad Pitt’s.