Fantasy Gazette

The NFL isn’t just about tracking stats and numbers, it’s about relationships. For me, I put the “fantasy” in fantasy football by having literal fantasies about meeting the players on my team and bonding with them through various activities. You should too.

As an avid fantasy football player for the last 20 years, I’ve had more player-friendship fantasies than I can count. I’ve imagined seeing Dez Bryant at the grocery store and yelling, “You caught it!” before going to get ice cream together. Or meeting Tom Brady at an autograph signing and saying: “I like my balls deflated, too.” (That one gets a laugh out of the GOAT, and he invites me onto his yacht).

The incoming 2024 rookie class is loaded with talent and friendship upside. Many of these players will make a huge impact on the field and in our fantasy lineups this year. But which of them do I think I have the best shot at becoming pals with?

I spent weeks researching. Here’s my top ten, along with what I’d say and which activity we’d do together.

10. Caleb Williams (QB, USC)

As a Heisman trophy winner and NIL millionaire, I doubt the presumed number-one pick will be very approachable. However, I think if I said, “Hey man, I like the Dior Glow fingernail polish,” he would appreciate that I’m open-minded and we like the same brands. Then maybe we could go to Sephora together.

9. Marvin Harrison, Jr (WR, OSU)

Marvin is also pretty famous already. He grew up with a parent in the NFL, so he probably has a lot of famous friends. He’s probably tired of being compared to his dad, therefore if I said, “Hey, Marvin, I think you’re great and I’ve never even heard of Colts legend Marvin Harrison Sr.,” he might be down to get some tacos.

8. Malik Nabers (WR, LSU)

Malik seems somewhat approachable, but he’s a bit of an enigma, so maybe I’d try a pun? All I could think of was, “Won’t you be my Nabers?” But maybe it would be so witty and charming that we would both laugh and hit the mall together.

7. Brock Bowers (TE, UGA)

This picture of Brock Bowers alongside Rob Gronkowski got a lot of attention. People thought it made Brock look small. If I told Brock I knew the camera’s angle and Gronkowski’s shoes made the photo unfair, I could see him joining me for a round of disc golf – that seems like a typical tight end activity, right?

6. Rome Odunze (WR, Washington)

At the Combine, Rome proved himself to be a great athlete, AND he nailed the interviews with his intellect. So I think if I said something like, “Hey man, let’s forget about football for a moment, what do you think about the Ukraine thing? Crazy, huh?” he’d appreciate that, and go for a walk with me in the park to talk about it. Unfortunately, I don’t know anything about world events, which he would realize almost immediately. This drops Rome a bit down to #6.

5. Drake Maye (QB, UNC)

Maye is difficult, because he seems like the kind of guy who used to bully me in high school. He comes from a family of jocks and probably grew up with money. He came in at #5 for me, though, because it seems like all I’d have to say is: “Bro, you tryna go pound some brewskies at Top Golf?” and he’d arrive there already buzzed, no questions asked.

4. J.J. McCarthy (QB, Michigan)

J.J. seems like the straight-laced, All-American type. When it comes to white quarterbacks, he’s certainly less intimidating than Maye. I’m pretty sure a simple invite to my apartment for a watching of Rudy would do the trick. I would make sure I was stocked up on white bread and mayonnaise just to seal the deal, bringing J.J. to #4.

3. Jayden Daniels (QB, LSU)

During Jayden’s Heisman campaign in 2023, I could truly envision us being best pals. I can’t explain it, something about his dual threat status as a QB just gets my friendship monitor exploding. Plus he’s an older prospect, so he’s closer to my age. I’m confident that if I were to just tell him that, he would see how sincere I was and we’d start up a beautiful friendship by going bowling or just kicking back and listening to The Rolling Stones (because he’s old).

2. Michael Penix, Jr. (QB, Washington)

This one is easy, because I’ve got a killer joke about his last name. I’m sure Michael is sick and tired of hearing so many, but that’s only because he hasn’t heard mine! If I say this original joke I’ve been working on for months: “Hey Michael, you’ve got that big PENIX energy!” he would be blown away by my rapier wit, and agree to be my plus-one for my niece’s Bat Mitzvah.

1. Ladd McConkey (WR, UGA)

Ladd, listen to me. You don’t know me, but I know we’d be good together. I can see us living out our dreams side-by-side, Ladd. I…know you. I bet we could ski at my parents’ cottage and snuggle up and joke about that awkward fall you took next to the cute skiing instructor, and we’d laugh and laugh. You’d take some of the whipped cream from your hot chocolate and dab it on my nose and I’d promise to take you at the 1.09 in all my rookie drafts. Yes, Ladd, yes I will be the best man at your wedding! How gloriously kind of you to ask!