U.S. Government Adds “Dynasty Fantasy Football” to List of Religious Cults
The U.S. Department of Homeland Security recently made a shocking addition to their watch list of violent and dangerous religious cults – Dynasty Fantasy Football.
According to Fantasy Gazette’s top-secret government informant, Dynasty Fantasy Football will be ranked fourth on the “Most Dangerous Cults” list – between the Westboro Baptist Chuch and Al-Qaeda.
For those unfamiliar, Dynasty Fantasy Football combines made-up scoring based on NFL statistics with rampant Twitter usage and living in parents’ basements. Those trapped in the Dynasty community will become angry at any slightly different opinion from their own, and latch on to strange topics.
According to Secretary Alejandro Mayorkas, Dynasty players’ love for barely-legal NFL wide receivers and abnormally large male thigh muscles makes them both dangerous and certifiably insane. “It doesn’t stop. Their Twitters are among the most disturbing things I’ve seen in my time in the U.S. Government.”
One needs just five minutes in the Dynasty Twittersphere to experience a world rife with malice, prejudice, and blind hatred. Dynasty is unlike many religious cults, as they have not one but dozens of charismatic leaders rallying people do fight for any NFL player’s hypothetical future success.
Fantasy Gazette sent an unpaid intern to tweet “Jonathan Taylor is not a top 5 RB and Bryan Edwards will never break out” in a popular Dynasty online forum. The intern’s studio apartment was robbed and set on fire in less than six hours.
To help protect the general public and less radical fantasy football fans, Homeland Security also revealed a list of key words and phrases to quickly identify Dynasty’s cult members.
“SF PPR TEP IDP Rankings”
“Who wins this trade?”
“Join my Patreon!”
“You’re too high/low on this player”
If you happen to encounter a hostile cult member online, we recommend agreeing with any and all takes. We repeat DO NOT OFFER UP FRESH AND ORIGINAL OPINIONS. Use some of the above phrases and GET OUT SAFELY. Here is a safety net you can use to escape the Dynasty Cult unharmed using only their key phrases:
“Packers RB A.J. Dillon is my 1.01 Deep Sleeper and a late-round Dart Throw in my 2021 SF PPR TEP IDP Rankings.”
Nice work! You made it out safely with no chance of being physically attacked.
The Gazette cares about all of our readers and we wanted to make sure you were aware of this Religious Cult as soon as possible! Thanks so much for reading – and be safe out there!