Fantasy Gazette

Washington DC – A Fantasy Gazette exclusive has found after a weeks-long investigation that over 30 members of Congress have violated insider trading laws by manipulating the fantasy football ranking site known as Keep Trade Cut (KTC).

The site is known for its stock-market-like fantasy football insight, allowing users to monitor the community’s feelings on player value. Users can also track rookie draft pick value for dynasty leagues and input rankings of their own, by “Keeping, Trading, and Cutting” 3 players when prompted.

The report found that members of Congress used taxpayer money and intricate software to monitor the activities of star NFL players, allowing them to gain an advantage in fantasy football. One shocking report found that Congress was alerted that Tom Brady would unretire, allowing Nancy Pelosi to trade a simple 4th round rookie draft pick for Brady in a $250 high stakes league. Absolutely disgusting.

Mitch McConnell was allegedly briefed that Russell Wilson would be traded to Denver hours before the news broke. One of The Gazette’s journalists uncovered several trades McConnell made for Courtland Sutton and Albert Okwuegbunam while also sending away D.K. Metcalf, who is now stuck with Drew Lock or an incoming rookie. He made these trades shortly before the trade was confirmed. (Editor’s note: our journalist has not been seen alive in a few weeks, if anyone’s heard anything let us know.)

Most damning of all is the report that several Senators, Congressmen, and even President Biden himself were working together to manipulate the rankings of players by intentionally lowering their opinion of them on the site. KTC showed logs that bots were always “Cutting” Bucs RB Leonard Fournette, who was coming off a career year and is now ranked at a hilarious RB25. This ranking lowers his value in the “Trade Calculator” section, which users enter players to measure a trade’s fairness. At press time, 85% of all members of Congress had Leonard Fournette on their dynasty teams.

As more news unfolds, Fantasy Gazette is shocked and appalled that members of Congress would manipulate taxpayer dollars in order to get a leg up on us in their dynasty and redraft leagues. Next time you get a league invite from “BidenFFGawd” or “Pelosi4DaWin,” you may want to ignore it.