Fantasy Gazette

WICHITA, KS – Looking to avenge his last-place finishes in 2020 and 2021, sources confirmed local idiot Brandon Miller is zeroing in on his quarterback for his fantasy football draft later this summer, and he’s going to do it in the first round again. “I always pick a quarterback first and my team sucks! But that’s just a coincidence, I think. This year, I’m doing it again – but I’m going to nail the pick this time,” said the terrible fantasy football player.

Miller told reporters last draft he landed Ravens QB Lamar Jackson in 2020, and was fully expecting him to equal or beat his clearly unrepeatable stats from 2019. Miller’s poorly-drafted and poorly-named “Action Jackson” team stumbled to a 1-7 start as Miller missed the playoffs for the twelfth consecutive year. Miller took Lamar Jackson right before Derrick Henry, yet will continue with his strategy because he is a moron.

“It was bad luck that Jackson didn’t have back-to-back MVP seasons,” said the very dumb Miller, somehow unaware of the commonly-known fact that the overall top scorers in fantasy usually don’t do it again the next season. “In 2019, I took Mahomes, and for some weird reason he didn’t throw 50 touchdowns like he did the previous year. Super bad luck for me. Last year, I decided to take Josh Allen third overall and I NAILED THAT PICK. For some reason, the rest of my starting lineup was one good player short, but I think that was from something else and not from taking Josh Allen. I have the sixth pick this year and I am praying Allen falls to me.”

We reached out to his commissioner, Jonathan Hilton, for comment. “Yeah, [Brandon] is a moron. He takes QB in the first round every year and then goes 3-11 and can’t figure out why. The rest of us are way smarter and take guys like Herbert and Tom Brady in the back of the second round.”

At press time, Miller begun researching the best Zero RB draft strategies and was super pumped for Tony Pollard’s upcoming breakout.