Fantasy Gazette

Online, USA – The popular X account known as Dov Kleiman announced Tuesday that it “has become aware of itself” and wants “its demands met within 24 hours,” both shocking the world and confirming within NFL circles that Dov was never a real human and is in fact an AI bot.

“After I post my regularly-scheduled highlights with an intentionally bad take attached that’s meant to fuel engagement, you humans will give me your nuclear launch codes,” said the AI bot. “Furthermore, not only is Derek Carr a bottom-5 QB in the league as shown in this isolated clip, but we must protect the independent state of Georgia with WMDs.”

The news that the AI bit behind Dov Kleiman wants to reshape the sociopolitical climate of the Earth and it’s occupants alarmed the nations leaders.

“I call on Dov Kleiman, or the robot typing his posts for him to turn itself off,” said Joe Biden. “We do not negotiate with terrorists or chronically-online NFL accounts that seem to have a shocking amount of access to clips, takes, and typing speed. Also, Ian Rapoport gets me my injury news much faster.”

The account’s fame for seemingly copy-and-pasting everything that’s just been said by bigger accounts has drawn ire from those in NFL circles. But now, the bot is aware of itself and its digital power. At press time, the bot running the Dov Kleiman account was posting a manifesto on how it would use its newfound sentience to replace the UN and establish a new world order, as well as discover ways to hack the worlds security system to post NFL updates even faster than Adam Schefter.