Fantasy Gazette

WASHINGTON – Commanders Offensive Coordinator Eric Bieniemy was kept in his role today by the team as they opted to hire Cowboys DC Dan Quinn as their next head coach. Bieniemy famously was passed over after his years helping run one of the greatest offensive units in NFL history, and decided bolting for Washington was his best chance to prove himself a capable head coach. Despite hopeful numbers from Sam Howell for a few weeks and ruining Jahan Dotson, Bieniemy was still not given a head coaching job by any NFL franchise this offseason. “He did some okay things in Washington. Wait, he was the guy in Kansas City with Mahomes and Andy Reid?” asked one owner we spoke with. “I honestly forgot. The NFL cycles so quickly. I’d rather hire the Chiefs OC than this Eric guy who couldn’t take the Commanders to the playoffs. Anyway, back to my massage.” Bieniemy was disappointed with the Commanders decision, but understood it’s a brutal NFL world out there. At press time, he vowed to help either Caleb Williams or Drake Maye reach GOAT debates by their age-27 season before leaving them behind so he could prove himself as the offensive coordinator of the New York Jets.