Fantasy Gazette

CHARLOTTE, NC – Panthers owner David Tepper, recently in the limelight for questionable decisions and antics, has hired a new analytical “wizkid” after he watched the 2011 sports film Moneyball: actor Jonah Hill.

“The Oakland baseball club was really able to turn things around despite having bad players and a small market,” Tepper said. “So I did some searching on the Google machine and found this guy Jonah and gave him a job in our analytics office. He seemed confused, but that’s just because he’s weird. You’d know if you saw the movie.”

Moneyball details the 2002 Oakland Athletics and their front office turning a dumpster fire organization into a powerhouse, breaking the MLB record for consecutive wins in the process – all through rigorous statistical analysis through Brad Pitt’s Billy Beane and Hill’s Peter Brand.

Tepper says the hire is a “home run.”

“Sure, I was hammered as shit when I watched Moneyball. But I’m telling you this is bullet proof. This Hill guy is gonna get us to the playoffs, I assure you.”

Fantasy Gazette caught up with Hill in his new office overlooking Bank Of America Stadium, where we found out his plans in his new role.

“I gotta admit, I have no idea who that jackass Tepper thinks I am,” Hill said. “But he did offer me $750,000 a year to ‘say a bunch of fancy numbers’ in their meetings and act autistic around the office so people know I’m smart, just like I did in Oakland. His words.”