Fantasy Gazette

The NFL and fantasy football returned triumphantly Thursday evening with a fantastic contest between the Baltimore Ravens and Kansas City Chiefs that was half a shoe size away from a potential last-second win by the visiting Ravens.

Fantasy football players will need to know how the game’s outcomes affect their season, so we compiled the one hundred most important lessons, takeaways, and reactions players like you, dear reader, must know.

1. Rashee Rice is the new Amon-Ra St. Brown
2. Isaiah Likely might go for 1,000 yards this season
3. They’re showing Taylor Swift too much
4. That wasn’t the real Mark Andrews.
5. Mark Andrews is still recovering from the car crash.
6. The car crash was caused by the GPS in Andrews’ car malfunctioning.
7. It malfunctioned due to 5G interference from somewhere within Andrews’ car.
8. Mark Andrews received the COVID-19 vaccination in 2020.
9. Rashee Rice has WR1 overall in his range of outcomes this year.
10. Xavier Worthy has WR2 overall in his range of outcomes this year.
11. You should have taken Xavier Worthy over Drake Maye and Malik Nabers in dynasty.
12. Patrick Mahomes isn’t running enough to be the QB1 overall.
13. Patrick Mahomes is passing enough to be the QB1 overall.
14. Isaiah Pacheco cannot play in this league until he is 30.
15. Semaje Perine is the new Jerick McKinnon.
16. Jerick McKinnon was the new James White.
17. James White is now Justice Hill.
18. Justice Hill is going to be a thing this year.
19. Derrick Henry might not hit 800 total yards.
20. Derrick Henry might break LaDanian Tomlinson’s single-season rushing TD record.
21. I changed my mind about Rashee Rice. He’s actually just the new Michael Thomas.
22. Rashee Rice’s route tree exposes him as a fraud top-tier WR1 in this league.
23. According to PFF, Rice’s route grade % over expected per quarter was just 1.98
24. That ranks 34th across the past 7 years of the NFL.
25. The only players with a higher route grade % over expected per quarter are Odell Beckham, Jr, Tyreek Hill, and Mike Evans.
26. Rashee Rice’s career best season is nowhere near any of those three WRs.
27. I wouldn’t even trade my 2025 3nd rounder for Rashee Rice in dynasty based on that stat.
28. Isaiah Pacheco isn’t going to catch enough passes in PPR to warrant the 14th overall pick I spent on him in my high stakes best ball draft.
29. Fumk.
30. The Chiefs not drafting Jonathan Taylor in 2020 remains proof there is an eternal, loving God.
31. Zay Flowers is like if Deebo Samuel got hit with a shrink ray.
32. Zay Flowers remained a good “buy” candidate this offseason for PPR.
33. Zay Flowers is a “soft sell” in standard leagues.
34. Zay Flowers was mispriced at his early R5 cost in Best Ball this summer.
35. I regret my 13% ownership of Zay Flowers.
36. I’d feel more comfortable with an ownership of either 5-8% or 20-30%, adjusted for lineups of course.
37. My wife is not proud of me for how much effort I’m putting into this list.
38. She asked me if I started “number 80” on the Ravens since he’s so good.
39. She complimented his dreadlocks.
40. I have not been complimented on my hair by my wife in over 7 months.
41. GreatClips is not worth the $15.00 I’m spending every 5 weeks.
42. Isaiah Likely is not that handsome.
43. I wouldn’t spend more than $15 FAAB on Likely, let alone another $15 at GreatClips.
44. You’re crying. I, however, am not.
45. Lamar Jackson is legitimately worth the conversation as a 1st round pick in fantasy football drafts until the wheels fall off.
46. QBs in the 1st round used to be respected in this country.
47. The first fantasy football magazine I ever picked up said you should either take LaDanian Tomlinson first or Peyton Manning.
48. Peyton Manning.
49. Our grandparents wouldn’t recognize the world we live in.
50. I’m slightly worried about the decline coming for Travis Kelce.
51. I thought about it and I’m actually moderately worried.
52. He’s 35.
53. Kelce is too focused on the ERAS tour to put in the work needed to remain great.
54. Travis Kelce’s off-the-field pursuits are going to cost him the TE1 crown for the second consecutive season.
55. I am now severely worried about Travis Kelce this season.
56. Carson Steele showed real burst on his 2 carries for 3 yards.
57. He is a priority waiver pickup for me in every league, every format.
58. Carson Steele will be a league winner.
59. Isaiah Likely will not be a league winner.
60. Mark Andrews will be fine unless he’s not.
61. Justin Tucker is becoming washed, I fear.
62. Xavier Worthy is great, but not HOF great.
63. He has the ability to become Tyreek Hill Lite
64. or Kadarius Toney except not on cocaine.
65. Kadarius Toney is going to be so fun to name as a random player in 20 years.
66. Laverneus Coles.
67. Jerico Cotchery.
68. Antonio Freeman.
69. Nice.
70. Mushin Muhammad.
71. Nate Washington.
72. Kenny Britt.
73. Jimmy Smith.
74. Are these obscure enough? I’m trying my best on short notice.
75. Back to your regularly scheduled programming. More fantasy takes.
76. Anthony Richardson was a better value at R6 than Patrick Mahomes.
77. That’s only because they punch in rushing TDs now.
78. How bad must Skyy Moore be?
79. I still can’t believe that was JuJu Smith-Schuster out there.
80. How in God’s green earth is that man only 27.
81. Nobody has been 27 longer than JuJu Smith-Schuster.
82. Except Todd Gurley II.
83. Mark Andrews is the new George Kittle.
84. That means he’ll go 3 catches, 75 yards, 2 scores next week.
85. Isaiah Likely in the captain spot was such an obvious play, I’m so freaking stupid.
86. My kids aren’t gonna get Christmas gifts if I keep ruining our finances on these parlays.
87. Justice Hill outscored Derrick Henry in full PPR.
88. Full PPR is for gluttons. You all sicken me.
89. A 5-yard catch is 3x the value of a 5-yard rush in full PPR.
90. Rashod Bateman is still a sneaky dart throw and a cheap target for me in dynasty.
91. Bateman showed real promise if he played for a team that throws the ball more than 17 times per game.
92. Lamar Jackson would be such a vibe if he was left-handed.
93. If Patrick Mahomes was left-handed I would have no choice but to assume he is a devil worshipper.
94. Buy Noah Gray in dynasty.
95. Sell Nelson Agholor before it’s too late.
96. Why do we even play this stupid game? I bought a bunch of cheap Likely shares and he’s just sitting there on my bench.
97. Sell Isaiah Likely before he returns to earth with his stupid dreads.
98. John Harbaugh doesn’t have the balls to unleash Derrick Henry.
99. The Chiefs are going to 3-peat.
100. The Baltimore Ravens organization is incredibly well-run, but unfortunately does not have the stamina to compete with the likes of Kansas City, whose presence on both sides of the ball demands near-perfection from their opponents. The Lamar Jackson experiment was a worthwhile one, but has not shown the ability to last a full season including a grueling postseason. Lamar is going to have to figure out how to remain in the pocket on more third downs, or a team that overcommits to stopping the QB from sneaking will understand Rashod Bateman is not enough on his own to trounce even the mightiest defenses in the league.