Fantasy Gazette

A recent study into the world of Dynasty Fantasy Football found that team owners with excellent draft capital have significantly more fun playing than the team owners who win lots of games. This study has left psychologists baffled as they come to terms with why a semifinalist team owner is miserable compared to his 10th-place leaguemate.

One of the main test subjects in the study was Demarcus Ballard, a dynasty owner who hasn’t won more than 4 games in any of his three years playing. This year, Ballard had the 1.02, 1.05, 1.09, 2.02 and 2.04 rookie picks, mainly from trading away Davante Adams and James Conner, who both scored lots of points for the championship team in 2023.

The psychological study found that Ballard’s brain scan when discussing his upcoming rookie picks and the growing anticipation throughout the whole draft process absolutely lit up during every moment, his dopamine receptors firing at 15x the rate of Matt Schultz, the champion. Schultz only described his 3rd place finish in 2022 and 2023 with marginal happiness, only barely cracking a smile, while Ballard was grinning ear-to-ear talking about possibly landing Jayden Daniels, Brock Bowers, and Xavier Worthy all at once.

At press time, Ballard said he didn’t care if he tanked for the next half-century, so long as the happiness he gets from unfulfilled points based on his draft picks comes around every off-season, negating the pain of trudging through yet another 3-11 regular season.