Fantasy Gazette

Former New England Patriots coach Bill Belichick has found a new gig after his unceremonious firing by the Patriots in January: turning to the Dark Side of the force.

“Yeah, Iʻm a Sith Lord now [lip smack]. Always been drawn to the Dark Side [snort]. Just seems like the right time to turn [sucks teeth]. Get more stuff done [phlegm]. Murder, violence, [unintelligible]. Makes sense with the Hoodie and all [loogie]. Nothin’ else to do [sniffs]. On to Cincinnati, or wherever [bigger loogie]. Doesnʻt really matter now [wet cough],” said Belichick.

Belichick said he had a lot of anger after getting fired by the Patriots and became even angrier when no one, not even the lowly Carolina Panthers, would hire him.

“Carolina, for God’s sakes,” said Belichick. “The Panthers. Made me sign a contract saying I wouldn’t hire Matt Patricia or Joe Judge, which I did, and they still didn’t hire me. Said I was worse at drafting receivers when they were. That’s when I decided to test out the power of the dark side,” he said.

Belichick then put in a call to Emperor Palpatine, who he first met back when he was defensive coordinator for the Giants in the 80’s, and the two hit it off.

“I never watched Star Wars, so I don’t know what a Sith Lord does,” Belichick said. “But Palpatine said I could use the dark side to torture Tom Brady and shoot lightning at Robert Kraft’s private jet.”

Belichick also said that the Emperor would buy him a bunch of new hoodies and allow him to cut the sleeves off, so long as it showed off the new tattoo of Luke Skywalker’s grave he had to get on his arm. “That really sealed the deal for me,” said Belichick.

The coaching legend said he had been approached about a broadcasting job but he turned it down.

“I’m not really big on smiling and making nice, it hurts my face,” said Belichick. “Plus, I might become drunken with power thanks to my new dark side abilities and melt Brady right during Fox’s live broadcast at a moment’s notice.”

Belichick starts as a Sith Lord next week, where he heads to Naboo for training with the Emperor. After a week, he expects to be back for the NFL Draft, where his first job is to seduce Drake Maye to the dark side.

“I’m told Drake’s midichlorian count is remarkably high,” said Belichick. “I will be watching his career with great interest.”