Fantasy Gazette

Washington (FG) – President Joe Biden presented the United States army with a new challenge following the removal of all American troops from Afghanistan: rebuild and stabilize the Houston Texans’ NFL franchise.

“My fellow Americans, the war in Afghanistan is over,” President Biden said at the White House, triumphantly. “However, the battle in Houston to get this poverty franchise just two seasons of competence has just begun.” Upon hearing this, reporters and onlookers began to grow restless. Critics took to Twitter to vocalize their issues.

“You seriously think even the might of the U.S. military can save the shitstorm Texans?!,” yelled a reporter.

“Seriously, Biden? You’re sending our troops into the least safe place in the entire world,” said Twitter user @sexytimeTitans.

Biden’s attitude turned hostile. “The Houston Texans have been depleted of resources since 2002,” he said. “From the selection of David Carr to years of being completely ass at football, it’s time we rebuilt them. I…wait, am I seeing this right? Their only playoff wins are against the Bengals, Raiders, and Bills?! Good lord, even when they make the playoffs they can only beat garbage teams.”

It remains to be seen how long the U.S. troops plan to be in Houston to help stabilize and rebuild the franchise. Years of Bill O’Brien’s management and sexual assault cases have left the already god-awful team down a path that is absolutely devastating. In our opinion, America just got ourself out a forever war and into an eternal one.

At press time, troops had set foot on Texans’ soil. One anonymous player said the arrival of American troops at Friday’s practice didn’t even crack the top 5 of least productive things that had happened this offseason.