Fantasy Gazette

When I was nine years old, I went missing.

My friend, we’ll call him Mike, came over to play Madden 04 (Falcons were off-limits, for obvious reasons), and we decided to head out to the skate park and just walk around town a little after dinner. My mother was home, and I told her we were headed out (she was the worrying type). Well, Mike and I stayed out well past 3:00 AM. We did everything from play hide-and-seek at Wal-Mart to eat Casey’s pizza and throw rocks at a raccoon we saw. It remains the most fun I’ve ever had, and I’m including my wedding night. Meanwhile, my mom panicked and had several people panicking looking for us until dawn. She had been calling neighbors, friends, and even the local police to put out an A.P.B. on us. Eventually, we headed back home around 5, and she realized she did all that panicking for nothing. She thought I had died (weird conclusion), but I assured her if she had just waited, she’d realize everything was fine.

Moral of the story: better late than never.

With that story in mind, let’s take a look at the Way-Too-Late 2006 Fantasy Football Rankings. We’ll use Standard scoring, since PPR hasn’t been invented yet and we’re all still sane.

RUNNING BACK

1. LaDanian Tomlinson, Chargers. LT is primed for an insane year and could be the MVP. Something to the tune of 2,323 scrimmage yards and 31 total touchdowns is to be expected in your upcoming 2006 drafts. We’d recommend you take him with the 1.01, probably.
2. Larry Johnson, Chiefs. Just spitballing here, but Johnson will have 415 carries. Add on another 19 touchdowns and you’ve got yourself a bonafide RB2 overall. Take him second.
3. Steven Jackson, Rams. Jackson’s a stable three-down back for Los Angel—I mean, uh, Saint Louis. Enjoy the 329.4 fantasy points he’ll get you along with over 2,300 scrimmage yards (we guess?).
4. Frank Gore, 49ers. We could see him improving his numbers to 1,695 rushing yards and 485 receiving yards along with nine touchdowns, give or take. In dynasty, DO NOT TRADE HIM AWAY. Just a hunch.
5. Willie Parker, Steelers. Going to take a shot in the dark and lock in Parker for 1,494 rushing yards and thirteen touchdowns.
6. Brian Westbrook, Eagles. 1,900+ scrimmage yards and 257.6 fantasy points. Again, maybe.
7. Tiki Barber, Giants. We think he’ll have about 1,662 rushing yards.
8. Maurice Jones-Drew, Jaguars. MJD could surprise folks when/if he runs in thirteen scores and two more through the air.
9. Rudi Johnson, Bengals. You’re going to want his 1,309 yards and 12 touchdowns if you pick ninth.
10. Ladell Betts, Redskins. Boy, that felt weird to type again. Anyway, Betts will finish 10th.

RBs 11-20 in no particular exact order: Joseph Addai, Chester Taylor, Deuce McAllister, Marion Barber, Ahman Green, Jamal Lewis, Reggie Bush, Fred Taylor, Corey Dillon, Edgerrin James.

WIDE RECEIVER

1. Marvin Harrison, Colts. A reliable and safe option if you’re looking for 1,366 receiving yards and 12 touchdowns.
2. Terrell Owens, Eagles. If you don’t like 1,180 yards and thirteen scores, draft elsewhere.
3. Reggie Wayne, Colts. Yep, two Colts in the top 3. We’re bold like that, mother f–
4. Chad Johnson, Bengals. 181.3 fantasy points sound good? Draft Johnson as WR4.
5. Donald Driver, Packers. Just draft him and enjoy the 11.2 ppg, give or take.
6. Torry Holt, Rams. 10-ish touchdowns and nearly 1,200 yards will do the trick if you need an upside WR in ’06.
7. Lee Evans, Bills. If you don’t like 1,292 yards and eight scores, you don’t like Lee Evans in ’06!
8. Steve Smith, Panthers. Same as above but 1,166 yards (or so).
9. Javon Walker, Broncos. He’ll add 123 rushing yards if we had to guess. Don’t blame us for having such hot takes.
10. Roy Williams, Lions. Take him as WR10 and enjoy the approximate 173.2 points for your team.

WRs 11-20: Plaxico Burress, Darrell Jackson, Marques Colston, Joey Galloway, Lavernues Coles, Anquan Boldin, Andre Johnson, Terry Gloenn, Reggie Brown.

QUARTERBACK

1. Peyton Manning, Colts. We think he’ll be QB1, just a gut feeling. Trust us.
2. Michael Vick, Falcons. I need you to trust us when we say we have a gut feeling you need to trade this man away in dynasty at the end of this season. Just do it.
3. Drew Brees, Saints. A statistical monster will be born in New Orleans and some other cities this season. Take Brees in 2006 and profit.
4. Marc Bulger, Rams. Just kinda feels like a 4,301/24 season for good ol’ Marc.
5. Carson Palmer, Bengals. 4,035 yards and 28 touchdowns, anyone? No? Just us? Okay.
6. Jon Kitna, Lions. Welcome to Detroit! We anticipate he’ll have 4,208 yards and 21 scores, despite 22 INTs.
7. Tom Brady, Patriots. It’s starting to feel like Brady’s best days are behind him. He’s a solid QB1, but the cliff is coming.
8. Philip Rivers, Chargers. Rivers 22/9 TD:INT ratio makes him a nice QB8 in 2006.
9. Vince Young, Titans. Here’s a nice up and coming SUPERSTAR. 552 rushing yards and seven rushing TDs is our prediction.
10. Donovan McNabb, Eagles. Another solid season, he’s QB10.

QBs 11-20: Brett Favre, Eli Manning, J.P. Losman, Ben Roethlisberger, Chad Pennington, Tony Romo, Steve McNair, Rex Grossman, Alex Smith, David Carr.

TIGHT ENDS

Congrats if you made it this far! Here’s our way-too-late top 10 for 2006. Adjust accordingly.

1. Antonio Gates, Chargers.
2. Alge Crumpler, Falcons.
3. Tony Gonzalez, Chiefs.
4. Todd Heap, Ravens.
5. Chris Cooley, Redskins.
6. Kellen Winslow, Browns.
7. Jeremy Shockey, Giants.
8. Desmond Clark, Bears.
9. L.J. Smith, Eagles.
10. Benjamin Watson, Patriots.