Fantasy Gazette

Fantasy Football players are the backbone of a healthy society. As such, it’s your job to keep them comfortable and happy in their environment when having interactions. Whether you have a family member, coworker, or friend managing fantasy football teams, you need to avoid these 10 damaging phrases.

“Fantasy football is unpredictable.”

Fantasy football players’ lives depend on them knowing the future. Do you want their families to starve?

“Have you ever tried drafting Zero RB?

You have five seconds to run away.

“I think Weighted Targets Per Route Run is more predictive than Air Yards Market Share for players on teams whose Pass Rate Over Expected exceeded 5%.”

Phrases like this frighten and confuse fantasy football players. Instead, try something like “Drake London is gonna smash this year, he got that dawg in him.”

“I’m taking the family to the Grand Canyon this fall!”

Fantasy football players are busy in the fall managing their rosters and DFS lineups. They don’t have time for trivial things like family.

“Your son’s open heart surgery is scheduled for next Sunday.”

They won’t be there. The data and cost needed for streaming RedZone outside of their Wi-Fi network is too severe.

“Any updates on those spreadsheets I asked you for?”

Fantasy football requires more attention than whatever you need from them. If one of your employees is preparing for draft season, do not harass the employee by asking for work. Instead, aid the employee by giving your nuanced take on the value of early round QBs like Josh Allen or Jalen Hurts – or by shutting up and going away.

“These PFF guys know their stuff.”

No they don’t.

“That girl across the bar has been staring at you, you should go talk to her.”

They came here to do best ball drafts, not “talk” to “women.” Dammit, by distracting him you made him draft Brian Robinson instead of Bijan Robinson! Way to go, idiot.

“Fantasy sports are for nerds.”

Fantasy players like us are jocks, no doubt about that. Saying otherwise makes you sound stupider than Capt. James T. Kirk when he ordered the Enterprise to fly into the Dark Zone in Season 2, Episode 18 of Star Trek: The Original Series!

“What real-life team do you root for?”

Those spineless cowards are proud of not having an answer to this.