Fantasy Gazette

ALASKA – Animal rights champion and former NFL champion Carson Wentz recently went on an expedition to the Alaska wilderness to protect salmon, the beloved fish we all respect and care about. Wentz had a sole mission on his trip to the Last Frontier: erase the dangerous black bear by any means possible to protect the river-dwellers. “I get so emotional thinking about all the little helpless fishies,” said Wentz, a Super Bowl 52 champion from his days with the Eagles. “These terrifying black bears are ruining the precious ecosystem with their savage hunger. It’s the least I can do as an animal rights activist and PETA Platinum Card holder to take my guns up there and shoot a black bear directly in the neck and chest. Am I a hero? Sure, but I’m not going to call myself one.” Ingrid Newkirk, founder and president of PETA, was unavailable for comment, but a member of her administrative staff informed us Wentz would be awarded with the 2023 Animal Friend of the Month Award. At press time, the animal rights group Black Bears Brigade had egged Wentz’ home and nailed a bear paw to his front door.