Fantasy Gazette

NEW YORK – The mobile payment service known as Venmo revealed to stockholders and the general public today that its entire company infrastructure is being kept alive by fantasy football players continuously sending the same twenty dollars back and forth throughout the course of the year. “Friends and colleagues that join leagues together are constantly moving the $20 league entry fee to one another,” said CEO Andrew Kortina. “In fact, there are tens of thousands of people both in each other’s $20 leagues, and they’re both uploading it to our system. We’re making insane profit margins on their missteps alone. They can’t find this out though, it’s like 89% of our revenue stream. Women paying their hairdressers is the second highest at 3.1% followed by fantasy football players sending even more money to their favorite content creators at 2.9%. We can’t sustain this platform without them.” Players in leagues constantly need to ship away $20 around August every year, and then when yearly winnings hit around Christmas, they upload even more money for playoff DFS tournaments and parlays, and then again they upload $20 more dollars for their dynasty fees in the spring. “This game is an absolute cash cow for us,” Kortina continued. “I’m not even sure these fantasy players know they can just snail mail the $20 bill and not have it go to us. Anyway, time for my yearly trip to the Bahamas from the bonus checks I’m getting from these idiots.” At press time, PayPal and Cashapp also announced their platforms would crumble instantly if fantasy football players ever discovered a good old fashioned cashier’s check.