Fantasy Gazette

CULVER CITY, CA – NFL Network is introducing a new subscription-based streaming feature that will just show a given user’s fantasy players repeatedly scoring touchdowns. “NFL Premium w/RedZone Gold is going to be a smash hit,” said Brian Rolapp, CEO. “Our users might enjoy our constant overstimulation of games and highlights on RedZone, but it has a massive flaw at its core. Not every highlight shoots dopamine through the viewer. The players scoring touchdowns might belong to their opponent’s fantasy team, and they don’t like that. We can’t have our users be either sad or bored or tilting for even a microsecond.”

This new feature will connect to the account’s fantasy teams, pulling data from all their rosters. Players who are rostered by the viewer will have all their touchdowns played on a nonstop loop, no matter what week they’re from. If you have Travis Etienne on your team, they’ll just show you him ripping off runs of 20+ yards and punching in touchdowns instead of cutting to a nailbiting overtime finish in a game you can’t profit off of.

“We found that users don’t even care if the RedZone plays are accurate, they just need a ridiculous abundance of brain chemicals from seeing their fantasy players accrue points. Here you go, you gluttons. Feast up,” Rolapp concluded. “We can’t have our users turn their attention away to read books or play with their children outside, so this endless carousel of highlights from their players will send them into a 7-hour long trance.”

At press time, the network was adding casino-style graphics cards that said BIG WINNER #1 and HOORAY JACKPOT TOUCHDOWN MONEY while gold coins rained around the screen.