Fantasy Gazette

While fantasy football leagues can be a ton of fun, they can also be extremely competitive and cutthroat. Fantasy players should be using every possible tool at their disposal to get an advantage over their leaguemates – even circumventing the rules if they have to. We’ve seen helpful tactics win people their leagues, like offering sex with your wife to a leaguemate in exchange for Christian McCaffrey. You could even log into your commissioner’s laptop when he’s not home, drop all his players just before your playoff match, hand over commissioner powers to your acount, and then leave his gas stove on before exiting. These moves are completely justifiable, but there is one thing Fantasy Gazette will defend to the grave: no player eliminated from the playoffs should use the waiver wire. Here are our favorite punishments to use against those soulless heathens.

The IHOP Challenge

This one’s a lot like the Waffle House challenge, except you have to work at an IHOP restaurant for 24 consecutive hours without developing a crippling nicotine addiction.

Exile

Ever heard of the Falkland Islands? Maybe you’ll think next time before you pick up that player despite being the #9 seed.

The Yellow Shirt Punishment

As punishment for picking up a steal on the waivers despite having a losing record in week 15, the offender must wear an unflattering yellow shirt for 1,000 consecutive calendar days.

Make Them Drink Dasani

This one explains itself. They have to drink a lot of Dasani. Preferably in public, on camera, and holding up a sign that says I DON’T KNOW HOW TO BEHAVE MYSELF WHEN I MISS THE PLAYOFFS.

Death By Raccoon

Lock that douchebag that added a player when they have nothing to play for in a cage of wild raccoons and let those little demons do their thing.