Fantasy Gazette

In a stunning move, a local fantasy football commissioner has announced his plan for paying out his overdue league winner – a brand new and utterly useless cryptocurrency of his own invention called “CommishCoin.” The move comes after public backlash that reached both Twitter and the much scarier Reddit.

“I know all you bum a– motherf—– wouldn’t shut the f— up about this bullsh–, so here,” said commissioner Jay Boise to his league’s champion. “I award you $1,200 CommishCoin. Try not to spend it all in one virtual place, b–ch. You’re lucky I drafted Austin Ekeler.”

Public outcry over the ordeal forced the commissioner to take drastic action. Not only did he fail to give the winner actual currency recognized by the United States government, he says he suffered from anxiety from being told to pay out the money he owed the player.

Commissioner Boise told the Gazette: “I’ve received verbal attacks like ‘you suck’ and ‘you owed someone money man just pay them.’ It has caused me anxiety and varying levels of guilt, which I have not given consent for anyone to make me feel. I may be hospitalized if I see that Stewie Griffin GIF where he beats up Brian in the comments one more time. I was going to blame a demon for all this, but somebody already took that one.”

We reached out to the league members for comment on the situation, and they did not hold back.

“Last year, he told us he was keeping the league winnings as a ‘management fee for keeping the digital lights on” said one league member.

“I asked him for my $75 third-place prize and he said my check must’ve got lost on the Pony Express,” said another.

“He threw a bunch of eggs over the fence to try and hit my nine-year-old daughter during recess,” said his next-door neighbor. “And I’ve never even played fantasy football.”

Elgin Bryant has been the most outspoken member of the league. His online crusade to expose Commissioner Boise was the catalyst for the eventual invention of CommishCoin. According to Bryant, the disappointment is equally due to the failure of payment and the loss of the league. “This league meant a ton to me. I traded for Michael Thomas in 2020 and gave up like three 1sts for Najee Harris in 2022. I had finally added back some picks this spring and was ready to end the rebuild. Now that the league disbanded, all I have to show for it is 50 CommishCoin, which can only buy me like five Cookies on the Sleeper app.”

At press time, the Commissioner had been arrested by the IRS.