Tag Archives: Bears

Federal Reserve Considering Measures To Curb Rookie WR Inflation

Washington, DC – In response to record-high inflation rates, the Federal Reserve raised interest rates 11 times since March 2022. Now that prices have largely stabilized, the regulatory body will shift its focus to where it is needed most: the 2024 rookie class of wide receivers in fantasy football. The overall inflation rate may have decreased from 9.1% to 3%,

Read more

Aaron Rodgers Back In As Vice President After Learning RFK Jr. Also Hates Bears

NEW YORK – Despite making headlines throughout last NFL season on his speedy recovery from a torn achilles and his long-awaited return to football, New York Jets starting quarterback Aaron Rodgers is reconsidering his position and may in fact change his mind about being Robert F. Kennedy Jr’s running mate. The reason? Rodgers learned over the weekend that Robert F.

Read more

NFL Warns Texans And Colts Not To Wear Red Or Blue For Season Opener In Compton

The NFL has reportedly told the Houston Texans and Indianapolis Colts they are not allowed to wear the colors red or blue in any fashion for the team’s season opener, which will be held in Compton, California. The news came on the heels of the revelation that the Packers and Eagles were similarly banned from wearing green in their opening

Read more

Disappointed Steelers Fan Catches Son Watching Mitch Trubisky Highlights

Pittsburgh, PA – Local diehard Steelers fan Gregg Ward walked into his 15-year-old son Axel’s room Monday evening, shocked to see the teen secretly watching “HOT: Mitch Trubisky Penetrates Tight Defense And Scores” on his personal computer. Axel turned around in shame before yelling at his dad to get up and cleaning up using a terrible towel. “Now, son,” the

Read more

Mental Health Experts Warn Fantasy Football Players Not To Click “Draft Recap”

Nashville, TN – Local fantasy football player Isaiah Maxwell was reflecting on his 10th-place fantasy football finish Thursday when he decided to take the treacherous, grief-filled journey back to the “Draft Recap” page on his fantasy league’s website, sources say. Maxwell was “distraught, spiraling, and I think about to cry even” said his wife. “I heard a bunch of stuff

Read more

Allen Robinson Says He Won’t Play Better Until Enough People Drop Him From Their Fantasy Teams: “I Need The Motivation.”

Chicago, IL – Bears WR Allen Robinson, widely regarded as the worst draft pick someone could have made in fantasy football, made a shocking statement Wednesday when he announced that he “doesn’t feel like” playing really good again until more people drop him from their fantasy football leagues. “It’s simple really,” Robinson said during a surprise Bears press conference. “I

Read more

Man Who Thinks David Montgomery only Succeeded from Easy Schedule Absolutely Loves Jonathan Taylor

BLOOMINGTON, IN – While debating his running back rankings, local fantasy football player Marcus Johnson criticized Chicago’s David Montgomery for his success due to an easy schedule, then immediately called Jonathan Taylor “the next superstar running back.” Both players were elite in the final games of 2020 – mostly against horrible defenses. In Montgomery’s final six games, he played six

Read more