Fantasy Gazette

In a shocking revelation from this past weekend, an employee of SportsHub Games Network was found to be illegally tinkering with lineups in a massive contest that featured a $150,000 prize. Thankfully, a colleague of the employee in question spoke out regarding the controversy – stating that the employee had a demon. This demon has yet to tell its side of the story, so we at the Fantasy Gazette dug through countless yellow book pages, internet forums, and hostels in Las Vegas looking for the demon. We found it, and are releasing the raw interview to you right here.

Fantasy Gazette: Thanks for joining us. I’m sure this has been a difficult time for you.

Demon: I’m just thankful I can tell my side of the story. By the way, your publication is extremely popular where I’m from.

FG: I’m going to try and ignore the ramifications of that. Let’s talk about you. Tell us how you got involved with this scandal.

Demon: I’ve been pretty down on my luck recently. My gambling addiction has caused my focus and finances to suffer, and the Quiznos locations I own and operate are failing as a result.

FG: Hold on, you are a franchisee for Quizno’s?

Demon: Yes, I thought this was mainstream knowledge? Quizno’s, Mattress Firm, and Big Lots are all fronts for demonic worship and money laundering.

FG: Fascinating. So those businesses were failing because of your gambling?

Demon: Yes. I needed the money to keep my Quizno’s locations open and to renew my yearly subscription to MAX. I gotta have my Euphoria fix. It’s my pleasure show. Sure do love that Sydney Sweeney.

FG: I think you mean “guilty pleasure” show.

Demon: I did not mean that.

FG: So why target fantasy football specifically? You could’ve gone after any industry or group of people at all.

Demon: It seemed like an easy target. Members of the fantasy football community argue over the most ridiculous things. They literally ignore time with their families just to fight online about Justin Fields being a buy or sell. I thought they wouldn’t notice.

FG: So the plan was to take over this employee’s body and then you’d just walk away?

Demon: Yes. I forced him to press a few buttons that would put the $150k into his pocket. He would then issue a transfer to me. Everyone knows attempting to steal money is like the most basic human past-time, so imagine my shock when they shifted the blame to me.

FG: I am told you’ve been receiving death threats.

Demon: Yes, and they would hurt my feelings if I had anything in my soul other than weeping and gnashing of teeth. I’m getting even more pushback than when I orchestrated the Kennedy assassination or forced Pixar to make Cars 2.

FG: What’s next for you?

Demon: Lay low for a bit, watch Arian Foster highlights or Sydney Sweeney’s Hot Ones episode. Maybe try to increase awareness of the new Quizno’s Super Deluxe Roast Beef that’s available for a limited time at select locations. The combo meal comes with chips and a medium fountain drink.

FG: I’m not going to try it, if that’s what you’re suggesting.

Demon: Damn it.

FG: These allegations are pretty serious. This was all truly just to keep alive your Quiznos locations and watch TV?

Demon: Well, there’s more to this…

FG: I’m listening.

Demon: I was trying to raise funds for a last second Ben Shapiro presidential candidacy.

FG: I’m starting to regret this interview.

Demon: That $150,000 was going to be instrumental in destroying the woke mob. Oh, and I have a couple failing Waffle House franchises.

FG: I think we’re done here.

Demon: Does anyone even read your articles? Like will anyone see this part of the interview?

FG: No.