Boston, MA – My name is Richard Jeffries and Mac Jones is my fantasy team’s quarterback. As of Monday night, I have a new opinion I’m really passionate about: Quarterbacks should receive points for handing the ball off. I had not felt this way until Monday night’s game when Mac Jones handed off 46 times and threw the ball just
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Cambrige, MA – Professor Matthew “Math Addict” Townsend, a brilliant mathematics professor at MIT, reached a critical breakthrough in front of his Calculus students Tuesday, correctly correlating a realistic path for his 3-10 fantasy football team to make the playoffs. “Students, put away your textbooks, shut up, and watch this right here,” said Townsend. “You’re about to witness math history.
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LAS VEGAS, NV – The 2010 version of Jon Gruden, who will be unemployed from the NFL in 2021, woke up to a strange e-mail sitting in his inbox. “Hey that’s weird, man, it’s my attorney and it was sent 10 years from now,” Gruden said. “They say I’m getting sued by some guy named Jon Gruden from the future.
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A groundbreaking new smartphone app has been designed to give the user alerts when people near them (spouses, kids, loved ones, pets, coworkers, etc) are upset with them for the amount of time they’re spending watching NFL football, playing fantasy football, or gambling their children’s college tuition on any number of “surefire” parlays. The new app uses infrared technology to
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Gazette sources confirmed your fantasy football team is getting ruthlessly dominated because a player you’ve never heard of has absorbed the powers of Zeus himself while playing for your opponent’s team. The player, whose name sounds like it might be an auto-generated Madden athlete, decided right here, right now on Thursday Night Football was the exactly right time to go
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NEW YORK, NY – Following a near week-long investigation into Raiders’ Head Coach Jon Gruden’s former e-mails, team owner Mark Davis decided to part ways with Gruden. It was then executives at Fox News decided Gruden would be a perfect fit to cover the National Football League for Fox. The hiring was made just nine minutes after he was fired.
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AP – Whoops. According to Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg Jags HC Urban Meyer accidentally sent private messages to over 34 women claiming to be a “hot single mom in his area.” The viruses contracted due to Urban’s “honest mistake” (his words) shut down the social networking app for the duration of the day. Meyer promised to be more careful, apologized
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Troy, OH – Local self-proclaimed DFS “expert” Curtis West woke up Sunday morning with a groundbreaking thought: ‘I’ve got to get Keenan Allen in my WR1 spot, not Justin Jefferson!’ West was entering in a sports betting app’s million-dollar prize competition, and had been relentlessly searching statistics, matchups, and injuries to get *just* the right lineup that will win him
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WASHINGTON D.C. – “It’s about damn time,” said local Football Team Fan Keith Carlson. “Why would I watch Tampa Bay play Dallas? Yuck. Give me the Jacksonville’s and Houston’s of the world. What’s that? Washington, my favorite team, is playing? Wonderful. Oh, and we lost our fan-favorite Quarterback just in time for the Thursday game, too? Excellent. Ah, back to
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BRISTOL, CT – Fantasy football celebrity and pioneer Matthew Berry and ESPN announced Wednesday “The Fantasy Show” is undergoing a major change. “We looked at our demographic of fully grown men who love professional football and asked ourselves what they wanted more of,” Berry said in a personal video to fans. “The overwhelming answer was more puppets. We are going
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